why simply undone?

it was time for me to start writing again, thus the reason for this blog. so much craziness. so much chaos. confusion. grief. not nearly enough laughter, or reasons to laugh. one thing these past six months have taught me is that things definitely are not what they seem. ever. just when I think I have it together, I don’t. something happens, or some family secret is revealed (and believe me, there are many) and life as I knew it is no more. I used to laugh so easily, and now, I cry at the drop of a hat. I am in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And quite frankly, I hate it. I have an amazing husband who loves me, and who, thank God, isn’t scared of the life he has with me. when we got married, neither one of us had any idea of the painful, devastating seasons we would encounter together. and yet, we’re together and more in love than ever before. thank God. I have beautiful adult children who love me and are a constant source of support and joy in my life. they too have stuck around, even through the craziness that’s been revealed in my life. I’ve lost both of my parents now, my mom more recently. and who knew that someone could flip your life upside down from their grave. but holy hell, my mom has done just that. I thought I knew her. but clearly I didn’t. I knew she was an enabler to my drug-addict brother, taking him in time after time, allowing him to both run and ruin her life at the same time. and while she was loving on him, she was repeatedly pushing me away. I tried blaming it on her depression, but I’m done with that. I’m done making excuses for her as well as for her son. and yet, here I am, stuck picking up the pieces of the mess my mom left behind. the mess, a.k.a. her son and his druggie friends. her son took advantage of her before she died, and he’s continuing to do so now that she’s gone. I can’t wrap my mind around his appalling behavior. I just can’t. I wish I could look the other way and not have to deal with him, but no. until my mom’s estate is all wrapped up, I am stuck dealing with his crap. so when people ask me how I am handling everything, in my mind, I find myself saying that I am simply undone.