no person should be able to force feelings of guilt on you. and yet, they do. they may do it blatantly, and all up in your face. or they may do it subtly, without you even realizing it. either way, the effects can be life-altering, to say the least. i loved my mom with all my heart, but it wasn’t until she passed that i fully realized the weight of guilt i had been living under most of my life. it started when i was in junior high, and has carried over into these months following her death. and quite frankly, i am over it. wether she meant to or not, no one should have that kind of control over another person. not ever. of course, as a kid, we want to please our parents. we want their approval, and most of all, we want to feel their love. when something traumatic and out of our control happens to us as a kid, our parents should be our “safe place.” but sadly, that’s not always the case. and in my situation, it definitely wasn’t the case. i thought i had done the right thing – the safe thing by going to my mom. at the time, she told me that coming to her was the right thing to do. but after a few months, her words and actions said something very different. she no longer looked at me with affection. and she began blaming me for what had happened. i was crushed, to say the least. i was 11 years old, and couldn’t make sense out of what had happened to me, let alone make sense out of my mom’s behavior towards me.
i guess you could say that this behavior became the norm and somehow, i learned to live with it. it didn’t get any better in high school; as a matter of fact, i would say it got worse. i would do everything i could to make my mom happy, to gain her approval, but I don’t think i ever did.
right before i left for my second year of college, i did something minor that made my mom so angry that she decided not to come with my dad as he moved me into my very first apartment. more guilt. six months after turning 20, i found myself pregnant and alone. it took so much courage to call my parents, and i was terrified. my mom answered the phone, so i told her first. her response? “oh my god, your dad is going to be crushed let me tell him.” insert more guilt.
i always wanted more for my relationship with my mom, but sadly, never had it. we went through seasons where sometimes things were somewhat sweet between us, but sadly, things were never really the way i had longed for them to be. and even in my adult years, as i became a wife and a mom, she still seemed to find ways to heap on the guilt. even after she passed, i would find myself feeling guilty over things. thankfully, my therapist has helped me to see that I am not responsible for my mom’s choices…not the choices that led to her death, and not the repeated choice she made to enable her son. and even though i am still cleaning up the messes she left behind, i am getting to the point where i can finally deal with things without the guilt.
Simply Undone 