tragedy changed me. before things had gone south with our oldest daughter, i was a different person. i used to laugh so easily, and always found a reason to smile. i was definitely an extrovert and had loved being social. i loved trying new things and was always up for an adventure. i had loved scrapbooking and making homemade cards.
then we walked through years of hell with our oldest daughter. years into our struggles with her, depression became a very real part of my life. i tried to ignore it. to pretend like everything was ok. but eventually, i had become a spectator in my own life. i wasn’t participating in my life, i was merely watching my life go by. when it got to the point where my husband had to coax me out of bed in the mornings, i finally agreed to see my doctor. having watched my mom deal with clinical depression for years, i was terrified of what might happen if I didn’t seek help. thankfully, i had an amazing doctor who found the right medication for me, and after being on it for a couple of months, i eventually began to feel like myself once again. almost.
you see, the medication didn’t take the depression away. it took the edge off and helped me be able to get up in the morning. i began participating in my life once again, and was able to be present in my children’s lives.
but i was different. the trauma of losing my daughter to mental illness had left its mark. over time, i began to realize that i had become an introvert. i began to enjoy staying home over socializing. i still spent time with friends, but crowds were no longer my thing. laughing didn’t come as easy as before. it was as if i had become someone else.
like a part of me was broken and would never be the same.
Simply Undone 